My Story of Self Mastery

My story of Self Mastery

I rarely talk about my past and the journey I have been on for the past thirty plus years, preferring to stay in the now rather than rehash old stories. However, it has become more apparent that people are actually interested in each other’s story. The more I read, learn and speak to people, the more I realise we all have a story. While this part is not fascinating, what is interesting is that we often underplay our story, not realising the gift in the story and how the messages and learning’s of this story can actually help others. It is through this realisation that I share my story - the story of how I have become of master of myself and continue to grow into Self Mastery.

Most people experience many challenges with numerous ups and downs. In fact, growing up, I had one of those stories filled with abuse, trauma, manipulation, hurt and despair.

I grew up in what you might call a “dysfunctional family” that was very multicultural. My biological father was Polish, my mother New Zealand and my step-father from the age of 2 was Lebanese. There was myself the eldest, and my sister 2 years younger, then came along my other two sisters some 10 years later. We grew up in South west Sydney in the Cabramatta area were the population was 90% south east-Asian – so as you can see, I had nearly all nations covered.

Growing up as a freckly red-head in an Arabic community wasn’t easy – I didn’t speak the language, didn’t like the food and certainly didn’t look like the rest of them. People would ask me what nationality I was and I would say “a bitza” – ‘a bit of this and a bit of that’. The great thing now is that I can assimilate into any culture at any time and feel comfortable, mostly because I am comfortable with myself and then partly because my experiences growing up gave me many opportunities to learn from others.

Apart from culture, there were other challenges.

Our step father was very unpredictable in his moods and would often fly off the handle for no reason. My sisters and I wished he was an alcoholic so at least we had a reason for his mood swings – we decided to just label him as ‘psychotic’. His nickname for us was “his slaves”, I think he thought it was funny although we weren’t laughing. He would call us from our bedrooms to the kitchen where he was standing to ‘fetch him a glass of water’ or ‘polish his shoes’ ( a play on my Polish genes) – reluctantly we would abide, with mum in the background begging us to “just do it to keep the peace”.

There are too many examples of humiliation and manipulation to mention here, however to give you an example, there was the time where my sister was caught truanting school so he put a gun at her head and told her not to do it again – she was 13 – to my distress the very next day she did it again. I got a beating because I was the eldest and should have known better than to let her truant. Then came the nights mum had to go to work or we had sporting commitments and he would park behind her in the driveway and hide her keys. This game of cat and mouse would see him smile and shine with pleasure at the pain he was causing others. This on top of the nightly arguments telling our mother she was as worthless as her kids and would never amount to anything. We were ‘gutter trash’ who should kiss his feet for allowing us in his house (that mum paid all the bills for). I was an insomniac as a kid so sat at the top of the stairs listening night after night to the torment my mother received and how she tried to defend us to the best of her ability – in hindsight, probably not the best thing to choose to listen to however all this made for good learning’s.

I was a very quiet child, refusing to speak to people and in fact up until I was 15 I refused to go to the shops for fear of speaking to people, instead I would hide away in my room, listen to music, paint, draw and write – pretty funny now given I speak for a living. I was so fearful of everything, scared of everyone including myself. I was scared to do, scared to think and scared to feel. In fact, in all my childhood & adolescent years I don’t remember crying at all. I was never very happy and never very sad – in fact it would be safe to say I was dead inside. The only thing I really cared about was the stray cat that had befriended me for 5 years and would sleep with me in my bed. That is until one day I came home to hear my step father had taken my beloved cat and left it in the street of another suburb for fear that the cat would threaten my new sister that was about to be born – again, I had no emotional response and just went to my room. I became more isolated and withdrawn, preferring to retreat into my art and music. The value now is that I can manage my emotions by turning them on or off as required and pretty much manage any situation I am confronted with.

In my reclusiveness, I attached myself as a needy student to teachers who seemed to care about me .... so much so that I developed a sexual relationship with one of them.... a woman. I was in yr 11, she was 10 years my senior, and for the first time I seemed to matter to someone, I was noticed, cared for and looked after. At the time, this was my saviour and this person taught me many things about friendships, fun, laughter, living, cooking, cleaning and learning. The flip side was that I never really developed my own identity, was still disassociated from my own body and feelings and was caught in an illusion of safety, when in fact many power issues were playing out.

I had always loved helping people and since acting as a Peer Support Leader at school, I decided I wanted to be a teacher. There were two things I loved doing, playing sport and creating art. When it came time for applying for universities I choose PE teaching first and the art teaching as an option. Thankfully I got into PE teaching (I’m not much of an artist anyway), left home, and for the next four years embarrassingly displayed my social inadequacies with inappropriate comments, incorrect timing and many stumbles and falls. I felt completely displaced in my own skin, uncertain and unaware. All this, and I was learning about how to teach personal development, health and physical wellness.  It’s amazing how the universe actually puts you exactly where you need to be, to be learning the things you need to learn – always at the right time – even if you don’t even know it.

It wasn’t until my first year of teaching, having my own yr 11 class, that I realised the complete inappropriateness of the relationship I was in. I remember looking at my senior class one day and the penny dropped – the person I was in a relationship with, had actually abused her power and taken advantage of me ... the worse thing was that I was a willing participant. This realisation was devastating for me.  From that moment on, my world came crashing down around me. Everything I had believed was an illusion, everything I had felt was wrong and everything I had thought, was a lie. From leaving home at 16, working 3 jobs to put myself through uni, to now being 21, loving my teaching job and not knowing who I was – What went wrong? Who was I? What was my purpose? What decisions had I made to get myself to this point? And what do I do now?

Over the coming weeks I ended the relationship, but not before she punched me and put me in hospital with a fractured cheek. Gay or straight, all relationships can have their trauma. I used to think to myself, what did i do to deserve this? What did i do wrong? What is wrong with me? I blamed myself, hated myself and thought I would never make it through the next day. I felt completely alone, lost, cheated and stupid all at the same time.

Throughout my teaching career my mantra with students was “I’m friendly but I’m not your friend”, I was determined to maintain boundaries at all time of which I did and still do when I’m working with clients. People have often commented on my high level of integrity & professionalism – perhaps I have this teacher to thank for giving me this lesson.

While I was working with a good income, I had a mortgage that was almost greater than my earnings which left me with $50 a week to live.  I felt I had no other option than to move back home.  Leaving home when you are 16 from a Lebanese family is not necessarily the done thing and coming back meant swallowing a lot of my own pride. For the 5 years I was away from home, my step father continually tormented me with abusive phone calls leaving death threats on my answering machine saying if he saw me he was going to run me over with his car, and forbidding my mother and sisters to see me. I had to get 4 silent numbers in that time and my mother would have to lie of her whereabouts when visiting me.   Going back home meant I had to grovel to my step father and return to the humiliation and belittlement.

Needless to say, I lasted about 3 months back at home and then decided it was both safer and more peaceful to live in my car. I would teach during the day (inspiring the next generation), visit friends to eat and have a shower, and then either stay at their place or drive to a soccer field car park and sleep in my car.

This was easily the most challenging time in my life..... It was official ... I was at rock bottom. Here I was an educated person in my early twenties living in my car – what a loser.

It was during this time that I honestly contemplated suicide many times. I thought life would be easier just driving into a tree and getting it over with – I had nothing to live for anyway. These thoughts circulated for 3 months before selling the house i was paying off and attaching myself to a new partner and living with her.... at least I was out of my car. This relationship cycle continued for the next 4 years until one day I had another awakening.

I had always been interested in personal development – I was teaching it in schools for heaven’s sake – although had never really pursued it for myself. Then one day I wondered into a psychic fair in the back of some shopping centre. I walked around looking at all the “weird” people. I thought about having a tarot reading but was unsure and a bit freaked out so just walked in circles from stand to stand. A guy with a long beard wearing rainbow shirt asked if he could help me, I said no, just looking. With that he asked if i had read the book “The art of happiness” by the Dalai Lama, I hadn’t. With that he walked away and I ran out in case someone else tried to speak to me. The next day I went to the book shop and thought i would see what this book by the Dalai Lama was. I took a leap of faith, bought it and read it. Not only did i read it, I summarised the whole book – I was inspired – finally help had arrived, a new way of thinking, new learning’s and new opportunities to really understand my thoughts, feelings and action. I began to see the patterns I was creating I decided it had to stop NOW. I knew i didn’t have the resources to change it myself, otherwise I would have already done so, so I found a therapist and spent the next two years growing, learning and loving myself.

As part of my therapy I reconnected and spoke to every person in my past including my step father, mother, ex-partners and even the teacher with whom I had a relationship. I confronted them with their shortcomings and thanked them for doing the best job they knew how. I blessed them for my learning experiences and forgave them. Each person responded differently although i was not there to counsel them or even interested in their response – i was there for me. With each new healing I would cry for days on end – I think to make up for all the times I didn’t ... tears really are the balm of the soul. The only person I still see today and love immensely is my mother, our journey has been healing for both of us – it is safe to say she is now one of my best friends.

I spent the next 4 years as a single person learning about me, for me and with me. I went from a shy insecure person to someone with confidence and direction. I set myself tasks and excursions each week to stretch my comfort zone. From spending time on my own, to going shopping and asking myself what colour do i like?, what clothes do i like?, what food do i really like?  Previously I had taken on other people’s identity; it was now time for me to discover my own.

I bought and read hundreds of personal development books and enrolled in numerous courses in my own self development.  I studied, I cried and I learnt to understand & accept my own body. I felt raw, alive, scared and excited all at the same time. This was such a new way of being...... I was 29 and I was alive.

In my opinion, before the age of 29 I was dead in my own body. I still today, don’t have a good memory of my life before this time because I was never really present. From this moment I made sure I breathed in every sensation and felt every signal in my body, to listen, learn and appreciate the beauty in each moment.

It is from this awakening at 29 that my life began. From here I began a quest to understand everything.... my purpose, my thoughts, my heart and my behaviours. Then understand others .... how to help them, engage them, influence them and lead them.... a journey to Self Mastery.

Through this quest, I enrolled in retreats, studied religions, learnt alternate therapies and connected with new ages philosophies. I hugged crystals, chanted mantras, mastered the tarot, spoke to angels and practised Wicca. I stood naked under the full moon, hugged trees, studied archetypes and opened my chakras. I prayed in churches, sang with evangelists and meditated in temples. I wrote affirmations with Louise hay, set intentions with Wayne Dyer and jumped up and down with Anthony Robbins. I studied Theosophy, Anthroposophy and many other “osophies”. I worked in small offices, communal offices, cubicle offices, a home office and an outdoor office (bush setting ... literally). I have Degrees, Diplomas and Certificates, studied Psychology and NLP, modelled great speakers and leaders of the world and lectured at university. I have worked with pre-schoolers, primary students, secondary students, tertiary students and adults. There is not much I haven’t done in my quest to understand not only myself but understand how to better help others. In the past 10 years I have done hundreds of personal development courses, read thousands of books & spent nearly $50,000 in my own self development. All this to find the answers to life’s questions of happiness, joy, abundance and my own inner peace.  I used to wonder if I would ever be healed, complete, happy with me, content and accepting of my own self..... Thankfully, through this journey I have found only one truth .... I AM THE MASTER OF ME.

As a result of this ongoing journey,  I have a true understanding of my own story and all the events from my past. As the song says, “I can see clearly now”. I am able to reflect on my past with real gratitude and see the learning’s and higher purpose of each event. I am free of both blame and fear knowing I have the skills to manage any situation I choose to encounter in the future.  To be honest I am still learning so much every day. The connection with my own spirit continues to grow and the peace i feel in my own heart builds. I make time for myself each day. I live with gratitude in each moment and I am thankful for the experiences that make up my story.

People often ask, if I could go back and change my story would I? – I would say ‘no’. I can see how each experience has been necessary to teach me something. I honestly believe that the people in our lives (good and bad) are our teachers and if we look at others and ourselves with compassion we are able to move through the experiences more effortlessly. It is the tools of self mastery that give you that compassion.

For this reason, I have dedicated my life to helping others understand Self Mastery, sharing the tools I have learnt along the way. Of course there is so much more I could share however, the bottom line is, your story is a gift waiting to be unravelled. In the words of Michelangelo when asked how did he carve such a beautiful sculpture out of stone, he replied, “I did not carve the sculpture, the sculpture already existed, I just took away the pieces that were not needed, by doing so the beauty was revealed.” I believe the same is true with us. We each have a natural beauty inside of us, it’s just that we have got so attached to our own story that we carry around outdated beliefs that no longer serve us.

So what does this mean for you?

I urge you to reflect back on your story and ask;

   “What has been the purpose of your story so far?”

   “What are the reoccurring themes?”

   “What are the learning’s for you?”

   “What if you finally got the learning, could you now let go of the story and just be your magnificent self?”

For me, the purpose of my story for the past 38 years has been SELF BELIEF, for me to believe in me, to trust me and stand true in my own skin. I let go of my story a long time ago which is why I have never really shared it with others. However more and more people seem to be asking me, how I got to know what I know and be where I am, so I guess it is time to share it.

I hope you have found this helpful and you too find the gift within your story leading to self mastery. I look forward to sharing the tools with you as I too continue my journey.

If you have any questions or comments I am always happy to share so feel free to ask.

Blessings to you

Daniela