Does anyone else feel like they have been in a washing machine for the past month? or whipped around an emotional tornado? Or is it just me?
All these emotions that I thought I had dealt with decided to come & play with me once more. It’s like the door to the attic flipped open and all this stuff just fell to the floor. I can tell you that it has been an interesting journey.... different to many others. I’m not sure if I have failed or succeeded as all I am left with are more questions than answers.
As a result, I haven’t written a new blog in a while, probably because it has been quite a tumultuous time. So much has been happening that i haven't been able to articulate anything.
For me, this time of emotional upheaval hasn't been an external experience filled with drama & life changing events around me, but more of an internal experience. I have gone about each day, functioning in the world as normal, but feeling utterly consumed in my own “stuff”. There have been many days where I have just felt like I couldn't keep going. I felt consumed by my own misery, sadness & lack of answers. I mean, where did these emotions come from? Was it hidden stuff or other people’s stuff I was feeling? .... and what do I have to do to move through it as quickly as possible? I was left questioning everything I did, I said and all that I was..... It was official.... I knew nothing.
With all the skills and tools that I had learnt over the past 30 years, I still felt completely alone, vulnerable and isolated..... I was left asking myself, “did feeling this way make me a fraud as a coach?”..... “Who was I to promote “Self Mastery” when I had no idea myself?” Perhaps that is why I stopped blogging over the past few months. I felt I had NO right to preach to others when I was consumed in my own black cloud.
Through sitting with myself I have gone deep into my own shadow only to hate what I had seen. How could I do ‘this’ or think ‘that’ and then promote “peace, love and mung-beans”? I decided I was a fraud.
Then came the questions, “If I am a fraud then what am I? Who am I? Where do I go now? What do I do now?”...... OMG.... my eyes were open to the real me and I didn’t like it.
Everything I had learnt, all the wisdom I had read & disciplines I practiced meant nothing to me. Nothing seemed to fit any more and I began throwing everything out. It was all fake to me, everything lacked truth, it lacked essence and it lacked my life force. I was being reborn and I didn’t know it, how or even why. It was painful, emotionally painful and I had no-where to hide. I was left with no choice but to sit with it and wait for it to pass.
So, in times of need, why not seek help I hear you ask? .....well, I have to say that I am very fortunate to have many loving, wonderful people around me. I did seek out family and friends to hang out with to try and shift my own space and when people asked me how I was going or if I was alright, I would reply “yes, all good”. My head and heart were saying “no, I’m not Ok, I need help”, yet the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. Something was stopping me from reaching out. It’s like my angels where saying this one was for me and me alone........ Then the next barrage of questions & judgement came ....... “Why was I lying when I needed help?” “Am I that much of a coward that I cant ask for help?” I told myself I trusted these people, they are my friends, my family, yet here I was speechless, left to my own devices in my own mind with my own emotions. I was left with nothing but myself. I simply had to trust myself and trust that all was happening in perfect order. I figured there were higher powers at work and I continued to go with the flow where ever it took me. I continued to take each day at a time, hoping it got better.
So, what is it exactly that I was waiting to pass? Well, without going into a lot of detail, the cosmic energies are very high at the moment and in fact have been high for all of 2012. If we go back to 11.11.11, this was an opening of a gateway into the new consciousness. One of being more aware, more present, and more awake to ourselves. Most of us have spent 2012 waking up to our true selves, our true passions, interests and strengths. For some of us this has made 2012 easy and for others hard. The end of this portal is 12.12.12 with the birth of the new collective consciousness happening around 21.12.12, (the end of the Mayan calendar). This is NOT the end of time, but the end of our old way of thinking. It is the end of seeking money and fame, and more about seeking purpose and truth. When we are in our truth and living our purpose, the money and fame will come (if that is your destiny). So, what was I waiting for? I was simply uncovering even more layers of my own soul, deep layers of many lifetimes of learnings that needed to be cleared so the light of the new consciousness could be born.
.....Ok, so I’ve lost you a little with all the cosmic talk.
The bottom line is.... We have memories from many lifetimes and even stronger ones from this life time. More often than not, we will place a memory in a category as either pleasurable or painful. The danger here is that all memories have an energetic hold on us until we let go of the memory as being either good or bad. The new reality of NOW is that the memory is simply an experience for learning, neither good or bad – no judgement. As a result, you can let it go – you have to let it go. Physically you have moved on in time and in order to move into the new consciousness & live to your full potential and truth NOW, you MUST let go of all the energy ties/memories that have been holding you back...... just let it go!
Needless to say, I did have the tools to manage such times, and I now feel I have reached a new PEACE inside myself.
I have learnt that the next stage of my own self mastery is not one of perfection but one of LOVE. It is one of acceptance of both the light and shadow that exists in all of us. It is having the courage to acknowledge who we TRULY are as a SOUL.
I am by no means perfect and free of flaws.... you need only speak to those close to me who will happily tell you. However I have reached a new place of compassion for myself. I am no longer striving to “get” somewhere because I am already here. I am not defined by my relationship (or lack of) or my job, by where I live or by the company I keep. I am not defined by my body, its curves or the colour of my skin. I am not defined by the qualifications I have, the successes I have achieved or failures where I haven’t achieved. I simply AM THAT I AM.
This has been my learning over the past few months. This has been my growth and this has been my destiny as I move forward into the next phase of my own self mastery.
May the love and light of your own soul guide you, love you and cherish you.
You deserve it :)
With blessings
Daniela Falecki
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